


do it like a dudebro

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cloaca, Explicit and Constant Consent, Friends With Benefits, Illustrated, Multi, Oral Sex, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sex Positive, Threesome - F/M/M, Titfucking, Xeno, handjobs, that poster of Ron Swanson solemnly regards this whole thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2015-10-28
Packaged: 2018-04-28 10:42:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5087605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>The well traveled HAT shares in your glorious spoils. The battle-hardened accessory reaches dizzying new heights, leapfrogging from the DOUCHEBAG'S DOMESUCKER rung, to the rare, highly coveted MARTYR'S PISSCRADLE rung.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	do it like a dudebro

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreakyHumanShit (Maim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts), [sundance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundance/gifts).



> [♫](https://youtu.be/ECYhygFaQI8)
> 
> happy belated 10/25, just roll with it
> 
> inline illustrations are provided by [Maim](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/132110992415/nsfw-art-below-the-cut) and are sized for mobile; click through to full view

"I don't know if you know this," Dirk says, breathless, laughing. "But like, last year? I drew him art of me grabbing your boob."

"Is that so?" Jane lifts both eyebrows up at him as he straddles her chest. "I know I perused your extensive portfolio a while back, but the pieces were mostly of the equine persuasion!"

Dirk braces his hand on the wall above the bed, in the spot previously occupied by Tobias Fünke. It's not ideal leverage, probably, but Jane's got her own hands braced against her armpits, and when he thrusts forward, she pushes her lube-slick tits together over his cock. "I'm, uh..." He shakes his head. "I was going to make a horse pun, but honestly? I got nothin'."

Jane starts to say something, something snarky, when Caliborn's forked tongue licks across her slit and up to her clit with a wet pressure that's got her gasping out clipped, high-pitched gasps. He tightens his grip on her thick hips and keeps his head close between her thighs when he speaks. His breath is hot against her skin, hotter than she would've expected.

[ ](http://68.media.tumblr.com/291d7afdd5151ceb1e169bc483032fc7/tumblr_nol4nresXy1s5at38o7_r1_1280.jpg)

"I didn't tell him to draw that, technically," Caliborn clarifies. "I only told him to kiss you. Art-porn-version you."

"Hrm. This time, I believe I can forgive you." She shifts her gaze up from Dirk's dick towards the tank top as it barely covers the junction of his hip and thigh. He gets the most exercise of them all; she finds herself thinking that she wants to bite him, right at that spot. She's sure he'd love it, too. "Just don't stop what you're doing."

"I'm not going to!" 

Jane gives Dirk a knowing look as she addresses Caliborn. "Didn't you already?"

Dirk grins at her, where Caliborn can't see.

Caliborn makes a frustrated noise, the aggravation of someone whose hard work went unacknowledged. He redoubles his efforts and flutters his tongue against her clit, against her labia. 

Jane tilts her head back against the pillow as he resumes, and moans out her praise, her sentence structure impeccable even with the circumstances. "Ooh, you're doing so well, Caliborn!" Her voice shakes with each thrust of Dirk's hips. "This is a significant improvement over the last time you were staring at me."

"That's because," he says, between lapping at her, "Now I've climbed all the god tiers, and know how to talk to humans."

Jane stops talking for a moment and starts shivering beneath his tongue. He keeps her legs pushed apart, keeps her wide open, and lets his tongue trail fully across her vulva. She bucks up towards his mouth, and Caliborn smirks where neither of them can see him before teasing his tongue inside her.

Dirk stares openly as the head of his dick peeks out past her cleavage, slippery with lubricant, glistening in the light from the window. "Oh my god, Jane, this is the hottest fucking thing."

"Are you sure?" Jane lifts her head to lean forward, enough to reach her tongue forward to lap at the precome welling at the tip of his cock. "I'm of the opinion that things can always stand to be pushed further."

His movements falter. Jane uses her fingertips to rub ribbed pressure across the shaft of his dick and uses her wrists to keep her tits pressed tightly together. With the slick sounds of Caliborn's tongue at work behind him, and the slicker sounds of his dick slipping between her breasts, Dirk allows himself to stop worrying about what they'll think. He cries out, as loud as he would alone in his apartment, and jolts his hips forward.

"Did you want to cop a feel, Mr. Strider?" Jane asks, as amused as she is aroused. 

"Hell fucking yes." Dirk abandons leaning on the wall. Eager, he cups her tits on the outside edge, pushes them together like she had, experimentally. He keeps his weight supported in his knees, which leads to shallower thrusting but less chance of making Jane or her lungs uncomfortable. "Is this okay?"

"Mmm, yes. All of my yes." Jane shifts on the bed and angles her hips upward so Caliborn can push his tongue deeper. Every time he exhales, she shudders, and his teeth would be a danger so close to her skin if he wasn't being incredibly fucking careful. 

Caliborn gives her a thumbs up—an indecent gesture—and when he lowers his hand, he rests it on her knee to keep her spread open.

"You two are going to be the end of me," she sighs, contented.

"Is that so bad?" Dirk asks, somewhat giddily. He swipes his thumbs over her nipples, watching closely as one peaks and the other stays flat. "The fuckpocalypse is upon us, Crocker."

"Someone should've warned me." She relaxes her arms and lets Dirk take over with her chest, and uses her now free hands to slide his tank top up over his stomach so she can feel his abs. "I would've made more time for things of this nature!"

"Fortunately for us, the fuckpocalypse is more of an abstract concept than anything based in reality." He shivers beneath her fingers and rolls her nipples between his fingertips until she's biting her lip.

Jane slides her hands around his hips to grasp at his ass. Dirk is all muscle, as much as she's curves. The advantage of their disparate body types—all three of them—is that they're constantly wanting to touch one another. Jane squeezes her hands on him and digs her thumbs into his skin. "Now who's the tightass, Dirk?"

"Me, apparently."

"Not when I'm done with you."

[ ](http://68.media.tumblr.com/6a5f22ed7aac82173ae68fced1caddcf/tumblr_inline_nwydgvbvXm1rq8to9_1280.jpg)

Dirk squeezes her breasts to return the favor, and smiles fondly down at her. "I'd totally let you peg me, if you wanted."

Jane uses what leverage she has to drag Dirk forward until he's thrusting on her chest. "I'd like that, if it's not too much trouble!"

Dirk closes his eyes and lets his hips roll against her. "I'd, uh. That wouldn't be a problem, to say the least."

"Is that so?" Jane keeps one hand firmly on his ass, and moves the other to tease a fingertip against his asshole. "Is that a thought you've entertained prior to this?"

"Ah, _fuck_." Dirk shudders without fully meaning to, and lets his head hang so he can watch his dick as he slips against her. "Yeah, I've entertained that idea. A lot. In private. With a vibrator."

Jane quirks an eyebrow. "Oh my, that's a tempting mental image. You... fuck yourself, while thinking about me fucking you?"

"Yeah. Guilty as charged."

Caliborn, while eyeing Dirk's ass and Jane's fingertips paying attention to it, pulls his tongue out to lap feverishly between her labia and over her clit.

Dirk starts rocking his hips harder than before, his hands on her tits, grasping for something, anything satisfying to hold onto while he gets even more worked up. "Ohhh my god, I'm gonna come."

Jane watches the head of his dick as it pushes towards her lips on every upswing. If the angle wasn't so frustrating, she'd suck it, but the best she can manage is occasionally licking at the tip, her tongue toying with his foreskin.

Caliborn pulls back to flick at Jane's clit, over and over, escalating, until she's squirming, her thighs tensing, and crying out with her head thrown back. He sees her through her orgasm, keeping his tongue wet and firm as it crosses her vulva in long, lingering strokes. She bucks her hips towards his tongue and he licks at her, persistent and thorough while she rides out her climax. When her movements finally still, he rests his head on her thigh and clears away the wetness between her legs.

Dirk's breaths come in short, urgent gasps, and he drives his cock between her tits, her vocalizing and the sounds of Caliborn's tongue on her having done him in. He feels tight, full to bursting, and wants nothing more than to come all over her chest. 

Caliborn picks his head up and shifts his attention to grabbing at Dirk's hips, his fingers digging in beside Jane's hands where her grip has faltered. He runs his tongue along the cleft of Dirk's ass, teasing at his asshole; Dirk tilts his chin downward and groans out his praise, blissed out somewhere between the slippery slide of Jane's breasts as he pushes through her cleavage and the soft slickness of Caliborn's tongue on his ass.

Jane's head is tilted far back enough that there's barely a splatter against her throat; the majority of his spunk lands on her sternum, and it's a minute before he can catch his breath. He can still feel his pulse in his gut when he opens his eyes to look at Jane, mouth quirked in a half grin, before he starts laughing.

"Oh my god, that was so good." He runs a fingertip through his ejaculate and lifts his hand to his mouth. Dirk never pretended to be anything other than indulgent. "Fuck, you feel amazing."

"I'll admit that I've thought of you before." Jane trails her fingertips across Dirk's abs, her nails only slightly longer than his own, but enough to make his heart race. "It's gratifying to know you're even better in person than you were in my imagination!"

Dirk laughs again. "That's high praise, coming from you. Are we officially Pony Pals now?"

"Who fucking _cares_ ," Caliborn interrupts. "Nobody gives a flying fuck about Acorn and the Pony Pals, Dirk!"

"Lies and slander, motherfucker." Dirk lowers himself into an awkward position to twist backward and grab Caliborn's chin, to guide him upward for a kiss. So Caliborn just licked his ass; so what? He's done nastier, and then some.

Caliborn kisses him back for a few moments before disengaging from the entire affair to crawl further up on the bed and lie down beside Jane. They regard each other carefully; last they left off, shit was still tense, although Dirk’s patient attempts to mediate have de-escalated the situation considerably.

"You have a very talented tongue," Jane notes.

"Thanks."

"Would you like to make use of it again?"

Caliborn stares at her chest and swallows hard. "Is it okay if...?"

Jane shifts onto her side, with Dirk still straddling her, somewhat uncomfortably. She reaches for Caliborn's shoulders and pulls him towards her. His eyes are wide and unsure. She smirks.

"You've still got a lot to make up to me, buster." 

"Uh?"

"You can start by cleaning me off." Jane brushes her thumb over his cheekbone. "As hot as your boyfriend may be."

There's another long moment where they stare at each other, hesitant, before Caliborn lowers his head to her chest and licks Dirk's spunk off the curve of her tits. His tongue is just as long and wet as it ever was, between her thighs or otherwise, and he keeps one hand gripping tight to Dirk's thigh, with his other hand cupping one of Jane's breasts. Human semen isn't anything he hasn't tasted before, and he spends extra time to ensure he's going thoroughly enough that Jane can appreciate it.

[ ](http://68.media.tumblr.com/59061460499c0dac35f402b2329dfff4/tumblr_inline_nwydhx1rnc1rq8to9_1280.jpg)

Given the noises that the two humans are making, Caliborn decides this is an achievement. Dirk's got shaky thighs, half on top of Jane and half sliding off her, and he uses whatever remains of his momentary strength to pet at the back of Caliborn's head and encourage him towards Jane's chest.

"You sort of taste like baked goods," Caliborn remarks, confused. "Why the fuck?"

"We opted for coconut oil," Dirk explains. "The Crocker kitchen is well stocked."

"In fact, this was my plan from the start." Jane smirks at him again, watching as his tongue laves across her chest. "And the other ones I have wouldn't have tasted nearly as pleasant."

"How courteous." Caliborn ducks his head closer to focus on one of Jane's nipples, his forked tongue tickling across it until she's pressing her chest towards his face. "Human hospitality knows no fucking bounds."

Dirk shifts back to watch the two of them, as Jane strokes the back of Caliborn's head and Caliborn holds her breast close to his mouth. "I think we've got more to offer than just strategically selected lubricant."

"Maybe you'd like to select some, Dirk?" Jane suggests. "Unless Caliborn didn't have any further plans for himself." As she speaks, Jane trails her free hand down along Caliborn's stomach, [until her fingertips hover at Caliborn's cloacal flap.](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/116620825475/unified-theory-of-cherub-junk-the-lifes-work-of) Without hesitation, he raises his leg to accommodate her hand, his mouth still preoccupied with licking at her chest.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can take care of that." Dirk carefully rolls off Jane, and spends a few moments admiring the two of them touching each other, before checking Jane's nightstand for something water-based to use. After checking out the ingredients lists on various bottles—not nearly as extensive as his own accumulated collection, granted, but still—he hands one to Jane. She wastes no time pouring lubricant onto her fingers, and smiles, genuinely pleased with herself, as Caliborn eases himself back onto her pillows, his legs wide apart and open to receive her.

"I didn't think I'd find myself here like this, with you," Jane says, amused but fond. She rubs her wet fingertips across his skin, until he's slick enough for her to slide a finger inside.

Caliborn tenses at first, gradually adjusting to her finger within him, and pushes his hips towards her hand. "Yeah, well."

Jane pumps her finger inside him, gradually building up the speed to a moderate pace, akin to what she'd start out with if she was touching herself. "Well?"

Dirk uses this opportunity to place his shades down on Jane’s bookshelf, beside her rumpled fedora and her glasses. "Times sure do change, huh?" Both Caliborn and Jane watch him as he finally takes off his tank top; if he’d noticed sooner, he would’ve made more of a show of it. When he’s done, he settles in on the other side of Caliborn, his chest flush to Caliborn's back, his mouth dropped down to kiss Caliborn’s shoulder.

Jane swipes her lube-slickened thumb across Caliborn's hemipenes, stimulating them while she continues to pump her middle finger inside him. "Maybe we've changed with the times!"

Caliborn runs his thumb over Jane's nipple, his tongue slipping past his teeth as he pants for breath. "Maybe... uh, some kind of meta joke with idioms. I don't fucking know."

Dirk spoons him, his lips against Caliborn's neck, a hand on his hip without interfering with Jane's access. "It's cool if you don't have any clever rejoinders, man. We got you."

"We won't tell anyone!" Jane reassures him. She pulls her hand away from Caliborn, long enough to pour extra lubricant onto her fingers, and looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "That is, if you would even tell anyone that a girl fingered you this well."

Caliborn lets his eyes fall closed as she inserts her index and middle fingers into his cloaca, with her thumb still moving in quick, small circles between his hemipenes. "Who would I tell? You two?" He lifts his thigh, giving her ample room to move, and tilts his head back towards his shoulder, towards Dirk. "I don't think anyone else is interested in what I'm getting up to."

"What happens at the Crocker household, stays at the Crocker household." Dirk smiles at Caliborn, then glances to Jane, and smiles at her, too. "And can happen again here if, y'know. If everybody's up for it."

"I would be," Jane confirms. She curls the pads of her fingers inside Caliborn, in a coaxing motion, to see if it works for him. There's no sudden reaction, no explosive response; he does, however, clench around her fingers, his hips moving downward to keep her hand pressed close against him. She considers this a success, and lifts her free hand to touch his chest, her arm slipped between them both, beneath his arm as he gropes her chest. "I won't compare this to patisserie, but practice makes perfect, in general."

Caliborn looks at Jane, eyes half-lidded, and doesn't have a reply. He blinks at her, slowly, licking at his teeth as his gaze follows her arm rocking against him. After a while of watching her, he lifts his chin, waiting to make eye contact with Dirk. Once Dirk notices, he kisses Caliborn, with his lips parted and his tongue pliant. Jane keeps her hand moving quickly between Caliborn's thighs; the lube makes it easy for her to slide her fingers inside him as naturally as when she gets herself off, with significantly more wetness produced on her own. She's lucky, she supposes.

Jane herself watches Dirk and Caliborn kiss each other, and thinks they're fairly lucky, too. Caliborn's twisted towards Dirk, his long tongue touching to Dirk's as they make out, with his hips still pushing towards her, towards the movements of her slickened fingers as she fucks his cloaca. His hand on her breast continues squeezing, continues to run his thumb over her nipple, surrounded as he is by attention from all sides. She squeezes at his chest in return, then slides her hand down to pet his stomach while her other hand continues its work.

"Are you gonna come for us?" Dirk murmurs, his breath hot against Caliborn's skeletal lips. 

"Yeah." Caliborn emphasizes this by kissing Dirk, hard.

Dirk speaks against his mouth again. "Are you gonna come for Jane?"

"Fuck, _yes_."

Jane can feel him shiver against her skin, and speeds up the movements of her hand. His thighs are shaking, his metal foot digging into the mattress, his organic foot struggling to find a spot to rest and eventually settling for Jane's thigh. 

"Do you like that?" Jane asks, her voice intentionally as husky as Dirk's. If this is what gets Caliborn off, she'll gladly take a cue from his usual partner. More than that, she can't say no to a chance to go all out, without concern for how she'll be perceived. "Do you like how my fingers feel while I'm fucking you?" 

Caliborn nods, panting harder. He hooks his organic leg over Jane's hips and seats himself in her lap the best he can, sideways and lying down. It's awkward, sure, but with the way he bares his throat to Jane's eager teeth, and the way he humps onto her hand, she's hardly worried. 

Jane bites at Caliborn's neck. Dirk rolls his hips against Caliborn's ass. Caliborn lets out a noise that has Dirk and Jane both grinning at each other, over Caliborn's shoulder. 

Caliborn nudges his chin onto Jane's shoulder, his arm thrown over her to clasp at her back as he rocks himself downward. When he moans, it's next to her ear, and she can feel his toes curling against her ass as he comes on her hand. He spends a full minute alternating between thrusting forward and down onto her fingers and pushing back to rub against Dirk's half-erect dick. By the time he's spent, he's lost the energy to do much more than paw sleepily at Jane's back, her breasts pressed tight to his chest, and Dirk's chest solidly against him from behind.

Dirk runs his fingers along Caliborn's arm until he can clasp his hand over top Caliborn's own. "This was a good idea, Jane. I officially applaud your suggestion."

"Dirk, if only I could reach my hat! I would tip it to you."

"Which hat?" Caliborn asks, exhausted. “Is it that _dirty_ one?”

"Of course _you’d_ like it for that!" Jane beams at him, even though he can't see her face. "And yes, it’s the fedora."

Caliborn smiles over her shoulder, abandons any remaining bullshit, and allows himself to nuzzle her neck. "I knew we had some shit in common."

Dirk laughs, and tries his best to get both of them into a hug. It only sort of works. "Fuck, this such a good fucking day."

Caliborn snorts. “Or a good day for fucking?”

Jane disentangles her arm from between her body and Caliborn's, and lets her arm rest across Caliborn's side, with her wet hand on Dirk's hip. She gets lube and semen onto his skin, and pats his thigh apologetically. Dirk sticks his tongue out at her, and can barely contain his laughter. So much for the supposed Strider pokerface.

"So what's the verdict?" Jane speaks to Caliborn without making any indication that they should move. "Have I changed your opinion on girls? Or would such a dramatic shift require a magic wand?"

"That's some fakey-fake bullshit," Dirk replies first. "Unless you mean the CrockerCorp one."

"Oh, hush." Jane swats Dirk's ass, lightly. "Maybe he can test that one later!"

Caliborn rolls his eyes, although neither of them can see his expression. When he answers, it's quietly, and with his head still tucked to Jane's shoulder. His eyelashes are ticklish against her skin. "Girls can be hot. I just don't want to date any."

Jane lets him stay right where he is. "What a coincidence! I feel the same way." She takes the comment in stride; changes are gradual, and they're making plenty of progress.

"It's a motherfuckin' hat trick, you guys." Dirk is the first to sit up, if only so he can step off the bed towards Jane's bookshelf, to reach for her treasured fedora and put it atop his no longer impeccable hair. "That's three in a row. Our shit all matches."

"It does?" Caliborn rolls away from Jane and lies on his back, with one knee pulled up and the other leg outstretched. He flexes his organic toes against the mattress. Jane's grateful his claws don't snag the fabric, even though all things considered, the coconut oil probably ruined the sheets much earlier.

"Apparently," Dirk confirms. He sits on the edge of the bed, and looks back over his shoulder at both of them. "I dunno why, but I thought Jane wasn't into ladies."

Jane sits up and adjusts the hat on Dirk's head. "Really? I thought you knew."

He shrugs. "I don't think it ever came up."

"To be truthful, it's only an occasional thing." 

"Well." Dirk shrugs again, and gives her a shit-eating grin. "Same."

"Should I wear a moustache when you let me peg you, then?"

He shakes his head and smiles at her. "I like you just the way you are, Crocker. You don't gotta dress up like a dude for my sake."

Jane takes the hat off Dirk's head and puts it on herself. "What if it's for my own sake? What if I want to be a girl with a fabulous moustache and a dapper hat?"

Dirk playfully tips the brim of the fedora down on Jane's forehead. "Then that's chill with me, too."

Caliborn rolls onto his side to face away from both of them, and curls up. He slides his hands under Jane's pillow to further support his head. It's been a while since he's said anything at all.

Jane and Dirk exchange a look. Dirk grabs the tangled sheets from their heap at the foot of the bed, and passes them to Jane, who drapes them over Caliborn. 

She lowers her voice. "Since I know you're fond of showers, maybe you'd like to take one with me?"

Dirk nods, and jabs a thumb backward to gesture at Caliborn. "Only if we can surprise this asshole with a motherfucking cake when he wakes up."

"Sounds like a plan to me!"

The two of them kneel on the bed, and make their best efforts not to jostle the mattress too much as they each lean over and kiss the top of Caliborn's head. There's no indication that he's noticed at all.

Dirk takes the fedora from Jane and dons it as they leave her bedroom, but she quickly steals it back. He shuts the door quietly behind them.

When Caliborn does wake up, he's warm underneath Jane's covers, with the oven sending the scent of cake wafting up to the second floor of the house.


End file.
